Don't worry- you're 2 years older than you really are.

I've been spending my evenings online. It's all an escape. If I sit in the family room, there is a possibility I could hear Nora cough, and if that happens, I have to poop, and I start hyperventilating. Instead, I take charge of my neurosis, and head into the office to study funky lung diseases and asthma terms. At the end of all this research, I feel it's very possible I could hang a shingle and open my own medical practice. Or at least be awarded an honorary doctorate.

The other night, I saw an ad online for a quiz that approximates your "real age". I'm sure many of you have heard of this before. Two doctors have come up with a litany of questions concerning health and lifestyle . When the "patient" completes this survey, all answers are computed to achieve your "real age". Then you are told what your doing right, and how you are seriously screwing yourself. I had nothing but spare time and an overconfidence when I started filling out the survey. My BMI is good, I eat pretty well, and I have fantastic exercise habits. Sure, there were some tricky areas. I do have high cholesterol, and a tendency to worry obsessively about friends, family, and house plants. This couldn't ruin me, could it? Hell, I still feel 18!! What's the worst that could be said about me? That I don't get enough roughage? Who does? Quickly, it became clear that the little computer program had latched on to my high cholesterol. In an insulting tone, I was asked if I had sought professional help for my cholesterol and my anxiety. Sheesh, that was none of their business! I'm 35, with sky-high HDL and Zoloft coursing through my veins. I am a well-oiled machine of precision and health. When did worry kill someone?

I completed the survey humming a happy tune. I have a good marriage, two nice kids, and an ample social network. I was ready to be told my "real age" was 28. In the back of my mind, I was buying the skirt Glamour Magazine recommends to the 20-something set. I was going to be thrilled with the results. Waiting the hour for the "real age" to hit my inbox was hard. I wanted to know NOW how I compared to the young coeds in Scot's MBA class. Even though I am a mom, I still felt I could hold my own with college girls. And then it came.

37.9 YEARS!!!!!!!

Holy shit! Where had it all gone wrong? I haven't been dropping acid or riding my Harley without a helmet! So why the premature aging? Apparently the cholesterol level scared Dr. Oz and his buddy. Mixed together with a lack of strength conditioning, collard greens and "me" time, my real age is 2 years older than I really am.

Still, I remain unconvinced. I run 4-5 times a week and feel great. My mental health is perky and my good cholesterol is fabulous. Doctors always tell you that you have to come clean with them concerning all your health habits, but now I wish I had lied about the worrying. I think that's what did me in. Funny, because that's the very thing that forced me online in the first place.